My Dearest Hennessey

(Sigh - Insert long pause)

I guess I’ll write this now…

There have been countless moments these last few days where I wanted to post something about what’s been going on. I have this deep need/urge to reach out, to tell the social interwebz of facebook or wherever/whoever. I just want to get it out… let people know. I haven’t done so yet because I didn’t want to seem overly dramatic or like I was seeking attention and possibly being one of “those” people that just can’t help but air out their life on social media. But the truth is, I need to be that person right now. I can’t hold this in any longer and writing and sharing my thoughts and feelings is sometimes the only way I can help myself feel better. Get it off my chest. Let it go. I need to feel more human and less like a zombie trapped in this dead zone of emotional distress, therefore I need to share this. And yes, with EVERYBODY.

Good Lord, why is April so full of pain and sadness…

A lot has been going on with my dog, my fur baby, my baby girl Hennessey. She is not well and it’s something that’s been coming for the past few months, but over the course of the past three weeks, her health has really taken a dive… my heart aches.

The long and short of it is, Hennessey has a handful of tumors in, around and on her spleen and liver. One or some of the tumors have ruptured and are bleeding in to her torso, which is in turn is making Hennessey very anemic. She is weak and appears unhappy most of the time. This will be the death of her and the vet has no real recommendations for a course of action to help her. It pains me to see her like this....

…Who am I kidding - I can’t just write the long and short…

A few months ago, when this all started, we thought it was just old age setting in. Our Henny-Penny was getting slower and crotchety and she had strangely taken to not listening to us when we would ask her to “go outside” or “lay down” or “to come here”. As far as we could tell, it seemed like it was a natural course of life for an old lady like herself. But then three weeks ago it became something much worse.

I remember the very first time I witnessed it. I didn’t know if she was having a seizure, or what. It was scary. But eventually I realized that was not the case.

The first sign that this was not just old age was when Hennessey began to just fall down; out of nowhere. One second she was fine, the next she would be down. Then she started refusing to go up and down our stairs - to the point where we had to carry her ourselves, and eventually she started to refuse to move at all. She would just lie there. **side note** While all this is going on, I started to notice that her mid section/torso was getting wide and barrel like. Not typical for her. She is generally a slender and fit dog in appearance.

So…………

I took her to our vet. Her initial lab work came back showing the anemia and off the wall levels – of everything over all. That was basically all our vet could tell us, and at that point they recommended that we see and internal medicine specialist.

So, after our initial visit with the specialist, we were advised to get and ultrasound to see what was going on inside our baby. That is where we found out about the tumors and the bleeding. Her situation is indicative of what they normally see in dogs with malignant tumors, and because of the location(s) of the tumors, and how many of them there are, the vet could not recommend any real course of treatment. That is, with the exception of a couple of Chinese herbs that could maybe help slow the bleeding and possibly give us some extra time with our Hennessey. Basically this was going to take our baby away from us, one way or another. I took the drugs and cried my way home that day.

Since, Hennessey has had some ups and downs. She is still slow and weak, we occasionally have to carry her up and down our stairs and she eats very little - mostly dog treats, cheese wrapped Chinese herbs and table scraps.

I shudder thinking about how just recently - seriously, Sunday night in to Monday morning - she seemed so bad. We thought death was just around the corner. So much so, that I had scheduled an appointment for today (April 15^th) with our vet to have her put to sleep.

She was literally on death row.

But some how, some way, she was better when we got home after work yesterday. Now, clearly she wasn’t good, but she was not nearly as sad, immobile and uncomfortable as she was Sunday in to Monday. Therefore, after some sad faces from my husband, some reflections and intentions throughout my yoga class and some more sad faces from my husband, I canceled the appointment. I mean, she even ate and pooped today. I can’t, we can’t take her away from this life yet.

It’s still coming. The tumors are still there and likely still hemorrhaging, but today is not the day.

She is our baby…